Raising children today means setting boundaries. With the ever-changing world, not everyone has the same morals. Some parents aren’t concerned with their childs’ welfare. As long as their child “stays out of their hair”, they couldn’t care less what their child is doing or where he or she is going. Other parents, on the other hand, are concerned with what their child is doing and will read this and take this information to heart. Those parents who don’t use discipline or aren’t worried about their children most likely will not read this.
I have found that setting boundaries can help ease some of the problems that most parents face. I’m a mom of four children; two boys ages 11 & 12 and two girls ages 17 & 19. No child is perfect. In the same respect, no parent is perfect. The parent/child relationship is always changing and growing. Each child is different. Therefore, it is very important to set boundaries for each child according to his/her age and maturity. For example, my 17 year-old daughter has a 10:00 curfew on school nights. She actually set this boundary for herself. She knows that she must get up early to prepare for school. In setting this boundary for herself, she shows her maturity level. My boys, on the other hand, would stay up until the wee hours of the morning. Ergo, their bedtime boundaries must be set for them.
Here are some simple rules to go by when setting boundaries for your children.
1. Listen and compromise: Listen to your children. Find out what they want. Your child may want to do their homework at a later time in the day because they are so overwhelmed right after school that they just need a break. I did this with my boys. I used to make them do their homework right after school. I used to fight tooth and nail with them on this issue. One day, I sat down and actually listened to what they wanted. To my surprise, they made sense! After listening to them, we compromised. Now, when they come home from school, they have play time or TV time for two hours. Every day at 4:30 they know to sit down and do their homework. No fights, no tantrums (from them or myself), and no excuses! NO PROBLEM! It’s wonderful.
2. Set specific rules: There are some rules that you can’t or won’t compromise with them. Therefore, you need to be specific. If you tell your daughter to be home by 10:00, then she should be home by 10:00 right? Okay, what if she’s “home” but hanging outside with friends until 11:00? You weren’t specific. Make sure that you tell her, “be home and in the house by 10:00 tonight. What happens, God forbid, if you find drugs in your teenagers’ room? What do you tell him/her? “I don’t ever want to see drugs in this house again.” That is just telling your child to go ahead and do drugs just don’t bring into the house. This subject definitely needs more attention from professionals. This was only used as an example of being specific.
3. Trust them: From an early age, your children need to learn that they can trust you. In the same manner, you need to learn to trust your child(ren). Allow them room to make mistakes and then learn from them. Let them show you that they can be home at a certain hour. If they earn that trust from you, reward them. I can’t stress how important it is to reward your children for good behavior! Most children hear the negative side. Don’t say, “You made it home on time but…” Make sure that you thank them for being home on time. If there is another issue at hand, wait until later to deal with the issue. Give them time to bask in the glory of doing something right and gaining your trust.
4. Be consistent: If you tell your child(ren) that they are grounded, stick to it! Don’t let them cajole you into releasing them from being grounded early.
• No, means no!
• Don’t give in!
• Stick with it!
• Let them learn!
If you are always letting them talk you into going somewhere when they’re grounded or you’ve already said no, then you lose! Chalk one up for your child and zero for you. It can be a long, hard mountain to climb when you stick with your first answer. Your child will try to make you feel guilty or give you the silent treatment as punishment for sticking it out. Please, please, please DO NOT give in. This is the only way that your child will understand that your word is golden.
The same goes for your positive words and deeds. If you promise to take your child to the movies, then do it! If something so totally unavoidable comes up, I’m sure that they’ll understand. Be honest with them and explain the problem. Then work out a compromise to follow through with your promise. If you’re inconsistent all the time, your child will know this. He/she will use this against you to get what they want.
Children~Setting boundaries
December 25, 2009 by Erica
Posted in Family Living | Tagged be consistent, boundaries, Children, compromise, consistent, curfew, discipline, dont give in, family, good behavior, homework, Kids, listen, maturity, negative, no means no, praise, rules, school, specific, trust | 6 Comments
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I have three adult children and am expecting my first grand late March or early April. The actual due date is April 1st. I’ll love that! Anyway, I will definitely pass this information on to my daughter. Lord knows she’s going to need all of the advice and support she can get!
Thanks – best to you in 2010!
P.S. You encouraged me to start a “Twub #ilovemydog” – you and two of my Christmas gifts inspired me to pay closer attention to my other “child” my dog Junior. 😀
Aw, congratulations on the soon-to-be new addition to the family. My prayers and wishes for a happy and healthy baby! I’m so glad that I could help and/or inspire someone! And, give Junior some lovin’ from me!
Hugs,
Erica
Erica,
My daughter is 26 but it seems that I’m always around young children. I love how you recognize that each child needs to be treated differently. I think a lot of parents can learn from you. It’s a tough job but very rewarding in the long run.
@Ileane
Ileane,
Thank you so much for your wonderful words! I’ve learned parenting techniques from other parents, professionals, and by trial and error. Being a parent is the hardest and most rewarding thing that I have ever encountered.
I visited your blog and I love it! I’m also following you on twitter if that’s ok with you.
Hugs,
Erica
I just want to say, Good article , thanx for all the great posts!
You’re welcome and thanks for stopping by. Hope you have a happy and healthy new year.
Hugs,
Erica